This 'THIS'

This is the very first time, I'm trying to write something about this, I don't even know how to call this.

I don't even know when and how this started and then before I knew it, I am not me anymore.
I thought all I wanted is very simple, just a support, a care, and a love.

Then I realise you have to deal with all those things not exactly what you expected and then you have to face all the deepest fear you have been afriading of facing and dealing with.

You thought you were lonely when you are single, but then when you were with someone, here comes the loneliness always around you. The most difficult part is how you try so hard to understand why someone can neglect you so much and care about you so little when yourself are all over the other. The more you think, the less you get. Suddenly, time never flies by, cause each second is like a torturing and then when the dark comes, you hate the time passes by so slow but yet painful.

All what you have cared, not important any more. All what matters is what you wanna care.
You try to get yourself out of this and want to get back to a normal life, but then the more you try, the more you care. Then you started to ask yourself, why?

You might know the answer already, but you just don't have the gut to face the reality. You are avoiding the truth, you are trying to protect yourself from getting hurt. Yet you are already hurt and you are crying inside. The bruise are so deep that you don't want to take a look cause you know once you look at it, you'd know everything is over.

Maybe you are just not ready to get over with, maybe you are just still hoping a tiny hope that everything will be fine.

You just don't see at the end, whether all these dark sides dragged you into all these negative thoughts or you just really can't see any positive sides of this 'this'.

What is this? You are dying to find out and hope to get an answer, but it seems pushing away and apart is the only result you got. You can't and you don't want to think why, cause you know once you start to think, nothing good will be left.

At one point, you don't what to think and what to believe. You hate all these uncertainty and all these spontaneous 'plans'. Then you hate you are always the last priority in this 'this'. You couldn't help but keep asking yourself what am I? why am I treated like this? Don't I deserve better? Don't I deserve someone descent?

At this hunting jungle, aren't we all expected someone descent? But then are we all lost to find someone descent and forget to decentise ourselves?

Some many questions just like this 'this', and still some much uncertainty and unanswered questions, but then you know what's the point to ask and why bother to get the answer when you are the only one who care?!

Then you'd start like if I knew, I'd've done things differently. Differently in protecting yourself more or in hurting yourself more? At the end of the end, you got to always have this question, why me? and then why not me?

You wanna laugh but then you realise that tears are covering all your face when you start to laugh, you taste your own bitter.