0333 the half of the devil

I know why she asked me to go out tonight for the dinner and I liberate to made myself busy from Thursday to Sunday. I appreciate her gesture and everything and there is nothing happening right this moment. It's just when the time comes, I can't stop thinking of what I got for this birthday and how I passed all these times.

If you chose not to have me in your life, the one thing I like the most of myself is that I don't beg. I might try to stay and even for some stupid faith, I might twist my believe here and there. Yet after all, I don't need pity like ever. I never had, I am not and I will never have.

Everyone is a good person in either ways. If being one of my friend is what you are aiming for, then I should treat you no more just like everyone else I have met and treated like as a friend.

What had happened is valued to me, yes, I'm using present tense! It is still valued for me. Somehow, I can't shake off the impression for me that what has passed is passed and history is just part of your life now, and nothing more. When I saw this day, I couldn't stop recalling what I did, I believed, and had done. I couldn't stop to feel sorry for myself, how could I ever being so stupid and too innocent like a moron? I know I couldn't blame all these to you, yet it does take two to tango. Taking all blames on others is way much easier to taking responsibility and staying to deal with all. Hey who cares when you have a new guy, right? What matters is what the new guy feels and cares! No? "Oh no, what does that lunatic want this time?"

I fairly took my responsibility and tried to stay and deal with the issues. Yet it's never possible to do this without the other person.

Did I regret? Believe me, I have been thinking that since the very first day I decided to give it a try. Even now, I still have no answer to that question. I look back and myself, compared to what I was when there was only me, I realised that I might be alone, but I was never lonely. I needed love but not hurt by love.

Sleepless nights, continuous pain, unstoppable tears, itching stomach, careless mind, endless waiting, expected disappointments, etc... I stayed up here and finally sitting here facing all these unspeakable truth from all the time being, I couldn't stop my tears, yet these tears are full of relieve and clearance.

I owe myself that much that I have to write all these feelings down and sincere apologise to myself. I did try my best to do what I believed, but I forgot to set the protection and bottom line for myself. I just simply had the faith that when there is a 'us', the best way to do is treating the other best and you will benefit from it.

At this day, a special day for you, I like to hug myself and thank you for your decision otherwise my tears tonight will be filled with different meanings and those nightmares would have been still haunting me. You deserve to do whatever you feel like to and I deserve not to get hurt from anything and/or anyone. Good bye stupid me and welcome to a present me. I can't guarantee that this new me will be any smarter or anything, but I know I am ready for myself and I love myself even more.