惡夢還沒結束

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From: Johnnison [mailto:send_johnnison@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: Wednesday, January 18, 2006 5:21 AM
To: 'Mike'
Subject: RE: 麥可事務

我不想再多說甚麼 這是最後一次回應這件事 你自己看著辦 好自為知 祝福你

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From: Mike [mailto:twnmike@hotmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, January 18, 2006 2:06 AM
To: Johnnison
Subject: Re: 麥可事務

johnnison

我並沒有注意到你最下面還有一段文字

我還想說趕快處理這些錢的事物

現在才看到

我還在想大家可以好聚好散

如果不是好聚好善 你覺得我到現在孩能跟你在發MAIL嗎

你說你再一次叫我一聲兄弟

那我就臉皮厚一點

兄弟 該還你的我一分也不會跟你多拿

這點請你放心

錢不是甚麼問題 你知道我的為人 重點是在一起的感覺

從八月中到現在

我自認我對這件工作的態度及認真絕對不輸給任何人

如果這是你最後看我的樣子

那我也沒有辦法

所有的費用及支出

還有來回及所有重大事物

不是email就是電話中有跟你提過

也許是當時的時空 也許是當時的人情 也許是當時的狀況

而現在才來說當時的情況怎樣然而現在又怎樣

現在也從未改變甚麼 只是把帳清楚而已 如同你說的 該是我應該出的 我一毛也不會賴

從巴黎回來之後

我從第一封email就告知你

我希望可以等到visa事結束再來談工作的事

我不希望我拿人家的錢做白工

可我也不希望因為人家付我薪水我就得欠人家什麼

所以我從回台那天就不覺得我是在替你上班了

而承你看得起 你叫我兄弟

我不敢高攀 我只是一直以朋友之禮相待

那很好 也很報歉 是我自做多情

至於我對你

我一直是抱著尊敬的態度

也許你覺得我說詞很不禮貌很不客氣

但我是很仔細地很客氣地跟你表達我對這些事情的看法

而我們實際的相處

你怎麼對我 我怎麼對你

我也不用多說 你我心裡有術

如果你是這樣想我

那我只能說是我自己看錯了想錯了

我想 我並不想抹煞我倆過去的情感 坦白說 一起談想法感覺很好

所有的事情從開始到現在

你我最清楚

所以我也不再多說什麼了

走到這個地步 那大家就把該算的算一算

大家也不用再客套說什麼 以後還是朋友的話了

我承受不起

我不再乎 如果你認為是客套話 那就算了

還是一句話

該還你的我一分也不會跟你拿

我有沒有欠你什麼 你心裡最知道

歐洲的錢我已經報了

如果你覺得只有旅館費支出公司要付 那就這樣吧

倫敦的帳 我完全沒有拖的意思 你跟我說的時候

我才剛要去 去了才一天就又回來 所有的資料的確都在倫敦

你要我怎麼報 所以我才請nicho幫忙查一下 這又是什麼藉口

這些日子裡 如果你覺得我什麼都沒做 那我也無話可說了

帳本來就應該清清楚楚 對妳如果不信任從一開始就不會信任你了

套一句你說的話，

請你放我一條生路吧 我不是什麼財大業大的人

怎麼敢惹你呢

我報的帳你覺得不合理 那就說個數字吧

如同我說的 我會儘快匯給你

我就算去借錢 也不敢讓你覺得我欠你錢

如果我說三百萬 你也給嗎 笑話 你說這種話太污辱人了 該是怎麼報就是報 合不合理是有依據的

大家以後也一拍兩散 各不相欠

那很好 省的你我都感覺不舒服如果有機會 大家還會碰面

最後還是謝謝你對家父的關心 既便現在這樣

這點我永遠會記在心上的

還是祝福妳未來一帆風順 家父之病 早日康復

----- Original Message -----

From: Johnnison

To: 'Mike'

Sent: Tuesday, January 17, 2006 8:26 PM

Subject: FW: 麥可事務

Dear mike

再一次叫你一聲兄弟 以下為公司問我此事該如何處理之方向 希望你清楚 我對你最後一次仁至義盡 我還是希望簡單處理 你把公司給妳的錢扣掉家具費用及雜支 馬上匯款回公司 如果不方便 大家在協調 如果你不願意如此做 那我也不會勉強妳 大家就公事公辦 還有 我真的希望你給我一條路走 別再把我惹毛了 我現在對你的情緒是在臨介點 希望你好自為之

我剛剛聽小姐說臺灣簽證處打電話來說有關我的英國簽證問題 有一位先生打去簽證處說了一些事 要我回去時做一些說明 希望那位先生不是妳 另外 費用報銷只有家具以及事務性支出 別再拿一些有的沒的來報銷 報表自己再重新編過 我自己都看不下去了 還有 記得 三千鎊不是薪水 你的倫敦薪水從未啟動過 還是一句話 簡單處理 年底前把它結案 大家還是好朋友 祝 一切順利 也祝令尊病情早日好轉 所有好運皆給予令尊

弟 正邦

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From: Johnnison [mailto:send_johnnison@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: Tuesday, January 17, 2006 8:09 PM
To: '劉昭暘'
Subject: 麥可事務

昭暘

有關MIKE的問題 如下

公司總共從財務部編列8000鎊特支預算讓MIKE去建構倫敦公司新據點 有五仟英鎊是由MAIL提出預算 我們撥給 另外三千英鎊是MIKE特別請求本人先行藉與三千磅作為他個人使用 待未來投入公司後再行慢慢扣還 因為是未來倫敦經理人 所以我覺得可以接受 經理人制度是因部門啟動而產生經理人在mike回台前 倫敦都尚未履職與啟用 mike回台後 我們展現高度氣度也播放台灣基本薪資給予mike 此筆費用已於財務長轉帳十萬元予mike作為簽證財力證明時 mike匯回七萬 三萬已扣除 而當mike回倫敦準備履職時 事值發生mike家父重病在身 鎖mike隨即向我提出辭呈 表明須趕回台灣 當時我的處理是認為家庭為重 mike回台後 本已與公司無關係 但我個人認為business 不應如此殘忍所以告知還是以普通薪資為發給作為考量 以靜待變 後於12/20號mike回英國後與我共同前往巴黎出差依天要回倫敦即已發生簽證事宜我因台北公司董事會事宜須趕回台灣所請mike先行停留於法國 順便考察法國型態 以便公司遷移至法國至可能性 但MIKE並未服從此心情我也許可以體會 但站在公司立場 經理人擔當不應如此 以上為您的問題 另外 有關MIKE部份 既然我已回應也順便交辦處理方向

一 所有支付於mike的錢如下

一 8000鎊 貳零用金1000鎊 三兩個月三萬元薪資四 予歐洲支付五佰歐元給與MIKE LV包一個代墊款

有關MIKE回覆要等NICHO跟會計師拿資料這不是理由 它可直接與會計師連繫

一月二十七日前 請MIKE把帳結清也無需廢話太多 方向先行簡單處理請把單據傳回公司審議 扣除有單據之費用 其於馬上匯還公司 如果MIKE抗拒配合那就請律師處理追討 但如果須請律師處理那方向便不應該以簡單處理為原則 連同機票以及公司所產生之任何費用一起追償 並連代要求公司無形之損失 並將此筆支出列為呆帳應收帳款轉交於財務管理公司另行追討

查照

給V的一封信

Dear V,

Sorry to write an email here, but I just realized that I don't have your personal email. :P

I miss you guys so much and so sorry that I haven't contacted you guys for such a long time.
You wouldn't believe what had happend to me since the day I left you guys.
It's a long story, so you probably need more free time to read this, maybe have a cup of coffee and some popcorn. :)

So as you know, I got this so-called perfect job from this guy, J.
Well you know the position, a manager job in London office to handling the shipping and buying in Europe.
The payment was perfect as well.
I lived in school's accoumadation at that time, and it was due around end of Aug.
So I asked him whether this job is for real to start or is there other things to be done so I probably just went back and wait till things is done.
He told me to stay over there and find a place to live.
So I got one, next to the Thams river which is so beautiful and nice.
Then he kept changed his schedule to London over and over and over.
(Remember the time he said he wanna buy those shoes and then he changed his mind? All these reminded me that. Just this time, in steading of getting shoes, I am those shoes.)
Till Oct, (yes, Oct. see, that's one thing about having a job and not sign a contract, but in Taiwan we don't do that), finally
this Mr. Boss arrived. He came about for a week, and at that time, I only knew that the office is not ready yet.
I meant the office he was going to rent was not ready yet, the solicitors from both sides were still working on contract.
(He could have told me so that I wouldn't have wasted all those rent by just waiting all for these. Oh, and he didn't pay me at all during all these time.)
(I was so blinded with this perfect job for me...)
After meeting everyone, and talked like a chitchat. He left again and asked to start to prepare decorate the office and arrange stuff.
(Finally feel like a strat.)
Unfortunately, my flight ticket is months long, so it is due at the end of Oct.
I told him and the price for expanding the ticket costs like 800 pounds!
So he said: "okay so you came back then."
This coming back to Taiwan somehow stops my starting date for him, so he didn't think all those works in Oct is work.
Then he is always busy and has little time for everything, even for something like opening an office in London and having a serious business talk with his employee who is going to run an office for him
somewhere far far away.
My visa was about to expired. So we planned to apply visa during my stays at taiwan.
I had waited for like 3 weeks, nothing happened. So I wrote him a very serious email about this situation which kind of pissed him off.
But somehow, he agreed to pay me NT$30000 (about 500pounds) per month for the time I was in Taiwan, and pay me 3000pounds once for like a load or something.
(All these money goes to my rent of course, I haven't got my depost back at this stage, cause I kind of left the flat out of blue.)
So finally I got someone from his company to help me with the visa and documents.
So finally again, I flied to London on mid of Nov, the date my parents went to have a body exams.
Back in London, he already found someone to kind of working for the office, whom is his girl friend in London.
To be honest, I didn't really like the idea, for one, I'm working as a manager who managing my boss' girl friend? two, he has another girl friends and I either know one of them or heard of them.
Anyway,
two days later, I got a call from my brother that my father has a cancer and it's quite serious.
I email J about this situation and told him that I couldn't work for him (even I hadn't really started to work yet)
He was really kind and supportive. He told me to come back as soon as possible and as he told me during this time, he would pay me NT$30000 every month.
So I booked a flight back home as soon as possible.
I worked like a dog to do as much as I could before I flied back to Taiwan.
It was one week later.
The situation was not really good at home, but we all know that we will work on this all together.

Somehow, after a month time, J started to feel uneasy about my staying in Taipei.
And my family started to realize that there are nothing we could do more about the situation but be supportive and be a backup for my father.
So I decided to fly back to London and do what I should do and work this 'perfect' job.
J flied one week earlier to London and I told him my deicision before he left for London.
There were some goods he wanted me carry for him to London.
The day I told J that I am back in the team, my family has a different decision on the issue which drove me into a nightmare since I just
informed J that I could be back on board.
And he already sent stuff from KaoHsing (a city in south Taiwan, I live in Taipei, a city in North) to me.
So I told my family that since I have told J that I am going back, I should., and he has been very supportive during this time, I believe it's
better I resign my job in person if I really have to.
All the goods were deliveried about two/three days before my flight, it's 7 BOXES!!
Two of them are about the height to my chest.
I called him tell him that there are no way I could bring all these, and he called me not a nice manager person.
(I guess that's what all bosses would do.)
I brought as much as I could and sent back the rest back to the company.
I flied to London on Tuesday before Xmas, arriving 1930 in London time.
I went to office directly to meet him and accountant in London.
After we worked, J insisted us to go out for fun.
It was about 2330 when we were about to go.
I had to leave earlier cause I was gonna stay a night over my friends' place.
Plus J already booked euro star for me at 0530 the very next morning to Paris for us.
So I left the party at 0130 and prepared the stuff and everything.
Arrived Waterloo before 0500.

So far, I hadn't slept for like two days.
Then I heard from J that there was a rubbery happened in the office.
Most of the goods he brought to the office was gone.
Anyhow, we still travelled to Paris for shopping (for the company)
This is the only day I really feel like this is the job I have been waiting for.
We were too busy to eat, so we didn't eat and we were leaving at 1915 the same day.

Oh, one thing I need to tell you first.
J posses a passport from Portugee which he told me that he got by investing some properties in Portugee.
So when we were passing the custom in Paris, the custom officer didn't believe his passport from Portugee is geniue.
I waited there with him for like 2 hours and as you know J's English is not good.
So while he was trying to talk to the customer and they asked him something,
he looked confused and turned to me.
As an employee and travelled with him, I helped him in case they had miss understanding because of the language.
After a long waiting, they told him that they believe it's a forge passport.
And they believe that I have full knowledge of this so they refused me to enter UK.
So J and I stuck in Paris, I told him we should go to the embassy of Portugee tomorrow since he insisted that
it's not a forged one. Then maybe they could give you a paper or ID or something to prove that you really poss a legal citizenship of Portugee.
About 2350 that night, I was finally bit calm and about to get some sleep in two days.
He called me and told me there is something he wanna tell me.
He said he doesn't think that I would have a problem entering UK, so he told me to try again tomorrow.
And he has a really important meeting in Taipei on 26, the coming Monday so he had to leave as soon as possible.
Due to flight, he decided to leave the very first tomorrow, and so he did.
I went to Gare du nord and tried to enter again, and I got my visa cancelled this time.
He left me 500 euro in case, but I somehow felt abandoned in Paris.
My friends there came immediately to be with me.
I tried to get a flight like J did but the company back in Taipei was not really helping.
They refused to get me a new ticket like my boss did (well he is the boss), and the flight company refused to change my flight from London Taipei to Paris Taipei.
I had to called the office in Paris to explain everything myself, and then due to the Xmas is coming (it was Friday) so I had to call Taipei and arranged everything.
They even questioned me whether my visa got cancelled because I did something illegal.
It is the most humilated thing ever happened to me.
Finally I got back to Taipei on Monday.
I feel really sad and helpless there, and since there is nothing I could be functional in Taipei.
So I told J that I don't think I should work since there is nothing to work untill the visa issue is solved.

I was so worried about my visa and back to UK issue, because even I already handed in my thesis to my supervisor.
I still need to do a viva.
J was like all the big man/ big boss talked that he will find a solicitor to deal with the appealing and everything.
He told me that the accountant in London knows a very good solicitor and he will ask him to do this for us.
He is busy as always, and I heard nothing more since.
The accountant in London was so worried that he asked me what's now.
So I told him about this, and sent him the letter I got from home office and asked about the solicitor.
I asked C.C. to J, and I was worried about J's own situation as well.
So I asked both of them, what's his situation now and what's the solicitor gonna do.
NO RESPONSES about this part.

The solicitor told me the situation and he believes it's gonna take at least 6 months to 1 year to solve this.
However, he has ground confident that I could have a success appealing.
At the same time, he believes that I could try a fresh application of the visa.
For all doing this, it's gonna cost a fortunate and he needs 1000 pounds to be paid in advance for him to start working on this.
J had no reponses at all about this issue, till like the date of appealing is due soon.
I couldn't take any longer, so I called and called. He is busy as always to talk about this.
Finally, I emailed him and told them. This is serious and we need to act soon.
He called and yelled at me, calling me selfish and only care about appealing and everything.
He said he could have abandoned me in Paris, (well he did) but he gave me his support and 500 euro.
He told me that he paid me 3000pounds already, (I told him that's for the rent I was there to wait for him) and he didn't tell me to stay. I could have come back.
then he started question about the money he gave me for the company, and for the trip in Paris.
He hung up on me when I was about to say.

So now, I am back in Taiwan.
I don't know what's next, but I think I'm gonna take a time off to think about all this through before I make next move.
That's my story of all these time.

How are you guys?
I'm really sorry that I haven't contacted you but I'm sure you could understand I was stuck with all these crap.

Regards me to everyone please.
I really miss you guys.

All the best
Mike

惡夢

因為appeal而引起的爭吵
也許也是讓這一切結束的結束吧
我自認我自己在整個過程當中沒有對不起誰
但也許每個人對自己跟對別人的要求想法都不同吧
原來
我也是只是個自私的人罷了
但也許他說對了一件事
我並沒有把他當兄弟
我很努力了
但是在老闆跟兄弟之間
那條線要怎麼做得準 我很難做到
我試過了但我失敗了
失敗就是一個不好的員工嗎？
成功就是一個好的員工嗎？
我不知道
此時此刻 我只能問我自己
整個事情下來 我有沒有對不起誰
更重要的是 我有沒有對不起我自己
簽証的事 現在也只好放在那邊了
以後的事就讓以後去回答吧
希望這是惡夢的結束也是好夢的開始了

律師的信

Dear Mike

I have now spoken with Counsel at length on the proposed appeal, following his review of the papers and our instructions. He advises, as follows:

1. He believes that you have grounds to challenge the refusal of entry into the UK on appeal.
2. That being said “an appeal would cost you a fairly significant amount of money and may take some time to be processed through the system before coming before an Immigration Judge”. He believes that an appeal would take between 6 months and 1 year to process and would cost approximately £3,500.00, inclusive of Counsel’s fees, plus VAT, plus disbursements.
3. Counsel further stated that, as an alternative to making an appeal, you may be better off making a fresh application for entry clearance, ensuring that, in that application, you give a full explanation for what happened in Paris and also that you ensure that the application is supported by as many notable individuals as possible - for example tutors / professors at UCL and others.
   1. NB: One problem however is that any refusal of the further application would not attract a right of appeal and could only be challenged by way of the even more expensive and very much more limited process of Judicial Review. If you end up on a judicial review, Counsel’s fees alone would be in the region of £3,500.00, plus my firm’s charges which will be between £3,000.00 and £4,000.00, plus VAT, plus disbursements.

As such, after lengthy consideration, the advice of Counsel seems to be that you ought to lodge the appeal and, at the same time, pursue a fresh application for entry clearance supported with similar documents to those lodged on the appeal, and then if successful with the fresh application, it would enable you to withdraw the appeal.

We can prepare both the appeal and the fresh application on your behalf. Please note that to avoid any delay in dealing with either/both of the applications, I will require a payment on account of costs in the sum of £2,000.00, plus VAT, for Counsel’s fees on the appeal and this firm’s charges for the preparatory work of the appeal and the fresh application and with a further payment for the balance of the fees prior to lodging either the appeal or the fresh application. I note that I am still awaiting details of your address so that I can open the file and progress the matter.

I trust that the above addresses the necessary points to enable Mr Lee to decide how he wishes to proceed and I await hearing from you with your instructions.

Regards

夢想與幻滅

工作 似乎是人生走到後來一定要走的下一步
從小就對自己將來要做的事
有一定的想法及期待
也被教育著將來要對這個社會這個團體付出些什麼

長得愈大發現選擇愈多的時候
自己開始迷失了
看過太多因為為了工作而工作的例子
害怕自己也不小心踏出那個輪迴當中
而一直怯步

終於在曾經的日子裡 有過成就
有過快樂 有過喜悅
也知道怎麼樣的工作自己可以做得很好
怎麼樣的工作是自己所喜歡所響往的

在因為不得已的情況下而結束的夢
準備回國時
另一個夢竟然就這樣掉了下來
原以為自己這些日子以來的付出心血
終於得到一個回報了
終於也有一個答應了

沒想到 原來這個夢只是個夢而已
諸事不順 惡夢連連
工作也需要緣份吧
我想緣份不夠 事與願違
原本覺得這真的是太美了
卻為了這個覺得很美的事物
放棄了很多原本自己覺得原本該有的堅持

現在終於冷靜下來看
才知道 為了這個夢可能可以實現
我一個人面對太多我覺得我原本都不可能去面對的問題
而支持我的 只不過是我自己單純地相信
這個夢就快要實現了
這個夢就快要成真了

然而在一次又一次的對談中 才知道
夢不是不夠好
而是我該醒來了

人生走到這 也許又是一陣迷惘
三十歲前我的迷惘沒有不存在
三十歲後我的迷惘存在的更深了
夢該醒了是幻滅的時候了
是該長大的時候了

收到名信片

從以前就有個不成文的習慣
在國外旅行的時候
會買些名信片寫給朋友
久了之後
沒有什麼特定的人可以寫
所以就如同日記一般的
寫名信片給自己
這次在巴黎發生一些事情時
也同樣不落俗地發了張名信片
寫卡片給自己
幾前天收到了 非常時別的心情
掃描後貼在文章裡面
看起來特別的我 哈

天氣冷了

天氣又冷了
冷氣團又下來了
冷冷的有時感覺比較好睡
但冷冷的走在外面時又特不舒服

斷背山讀後感

從斷背山一直得獎的消息以來
就一直在掙扎到底要不要先看小說
通常小說翻成電影只有兩種結果
一種是早知道小說的結局而壞了看電影的樂趣
另一種是因為電影的限制而壞了看小說的感動
結果為了特價的緣故 還是拿到書了
一開始看的時候 並不知道這是Annie Proulx的故事集
看了一篇文章後 才發現原來斷背山只是她一個短篇的故事
心中不禁想 一個短篇的故事竟然可以改編成一個電影
那不是故事太精彩 就是改寫劇本的人功力夠
翻到目錄 斷背山在最後一篇
因為電影得獎的關係 英文原著也水漲船高
所以完全買不到英文原著 到也不是說我就一定看得懂
只是有些時候 有些意境還是只能透過原本母言的力量才能表達的出來
掙扎要不要看先 要不要看翻譯在後
也許是一種想要知道的衝動吧
在李安導演的：「往往當你終於嘗到愛情滋味時，已經錯過了！這是最讓我悵然的。」
催化之下 怎麼樣的愛情可以如此呢？
同志電影不稀奇 同志情節也不奇怪了現在
問題是在怎麼樣的同志情節可以同時超脫藝術跟票房的現實時
翻到那頁的手 跟著心情在顫抖
故事開始了
Annie Proulx的手法令人讚嘆的是
她沒有多餘累贅的字眼
總個故事讓人有愛情故事的感覺
但卻沒有刻意去刻化二人之間愛情的造作
就連兩人之間的情慾 也是在一筆筆旁觀但寫實
寫實到可以感受的不只是文字傳來的力量
而是彷彿也在現場體會那種氣氛
在一場慾望表真的情景中 你可以感受的是在慾之後的情愛
從頭到尾 沒有談到情 沒有談到愛
可是連結這兩人的就是連他們也不了解的情愛
故事轉折的讓人有點不知為何
可就如同生活中一般 所有的事發生也不知為何
當我們還在故事中為了這些事驚愕時
故事中的主角又彷彿我們生活中的所有人一樣
事情再壞 太陽還是會昇起
日子還是很過
然而 在過日子的歲月中
我們感受到他們用他們的方式去感受連他們都不了解的情愛
故事不長 看完後 卻有一種悵然的感覺
原來一個真正的愛情 是不需太多言語表達的
一個真正的刻苦銘心 是不需要太多文字去點綴的
故事在這 感受在你細細讀完後 隨著文字順到你的心
而那種失落及滿足 交織地令人悵然若失

簽証事宜

今天收到倫敦會計師來的信件
總算在簽証問題有進一步前進的感覺
老闆現在因為一些私人的問題卡在香港
原本的十三日巴黎秀也不知道如何
而台北這邊的店頂起來的後續工作也不知道如何了
原本就容易緊張又想很多的我
這幾天又為了這樣的事情
輾轉難以入眠
不知道老闆的想法是什麼
下一步又是什麼
那我自己的下一步又是什麼
有點在思動
但是…動了之後呢？
現在還是有許多的未知數
更何況還有很多未解的問題
也許等這些都確定了再說吧

2006

2006的到來
一個人在家 不是沒有約 而是約不到人
這樣的心情 讓自己有點不知所措
打開手機的通訊錄 竟有一種「相識滿天下 知己有幾人」的感慨
難怪當年中國的大詩人李白曾有「舉杯繳明月 對影成三人」的詩句
連摘仙人都如此孤獨了
我們又如何能自大地以為我們不是獨處呢

網內、網外、國內、國外
總共六十幾通新年祝賀
祝賀的心情不是就期望曾經相識的友人會禮貌性地回覆
然而 當六十比上六時
網路出了問題嗎？是心中的第一個疑問
當收到朋友的回覆時 才知道不是飛穿在空中的訊號
而是我自己

到了一個年紀 一個人時 就真的所有事都得一個人嗎
雖然在這樣所謂的節日裡 不免覺得一群人呼朋引伴的慶祝很老套很幼稚
但不得不承認 一個人在這樣的日子時 只是覺得老套幼稚背後的逞強在作祟罷了
寂寞 到打給滿手打不出去的爛牌
結果可想而知 自取其辱 也只能自作自受了

2006 新的一年
超想把所有的一切留給2005
工作 感情 病痛 壞消息 不合 爭吵
到數到一時 煙火飛出來了
炸開了2005到2006的界限
眼一眨 笑一笑 就算這一切的一切還是炸不散的夢饜
還是正面積極的面對2006吧
畢竟 天沒有掉下來
明天還是會來

飛在一萬多公里高

從倫敦到巴黎

再從巴黎到倫敦

十多年的旅行 突然覺得是否是一個終點了

對於生活 對於工作

我並沒有比別人有跟多的看法 也並沒有比別人有更好的見解

只是人嘛 生活在這個世上

不就是為了生活而已

一開始是一個夢想的感覺吧

就為了堅持這個夢想 所以讓自己退步了許多

讓步了許多 這樣好吧 這樣對嗎

我們是不是都在害怕失去什麼當中

而失去了更多呢

本來就覺得有很多不清楚的疑點

本來就覺得好似有很多的不明確

回想起來

那時是一種終於輪到我的感覺

終於我有一個機會

可以去做我想做而且我知道我可以做得很好的事

這幾年來

我付出過我的努力

付出過我的代價

我也迷失過 我也迷惘過

我在曾經類似的工作過

找到我未曾有過的滿足感及成就感

不累嗎 不怕嗎

但是那是一種穩定 一種穩健的感覺

從小我就為了去達成別人對我的希望

而一直努力不懈

看看 雖然我沒有做得多好

但我可以做很夠好

也許是籍口 也許是逃避

我只是在用這樣的理由

去解釋我自己為什麼不給我自己思考自我的空間跟時間罷了

到頭來 我還是做了我自己最恨的事

我隨波遂流了 我選擇簡單容易的路走了

而現在

我又再犯上另一個更可悲的錯誤

我好高騖遠了 不是我做不到 不是我做不好

而是 也許那麼容易來的機會 並不是機會

也許那麼容易做出的決定 並不是真的是決定

發生這樣的事 是危機是轉機

當這樣的想法在我心中的時候

我不禁又思考著 那整件事對我來說

到底是一個千載難逢的機會 還是只是一個不切實際的假象呢

誰又知道這件事是危機還是轉機呢

我有太多想法 太多夢想 太多看法

也許我是在找尋可以了解自我的人

可以讓我放手去做

只是 這樣的想法 太天真了嗎

之前 是我第一個自己努力去做來的工作

是我第一個付出心血心力的工作

我做出了我的成績 我做出了我的成就

很累 可是我也很開心

可是我有一種想要出脫的感覺 我知道我自己絕對不只如此而已

我知道我自己可以做更多 可以做更好

也許就是這種想法 在心中

所以 當這樣所謂的機會來的時候

我完全沒有思考 沒有去了解 就接受了

現在發生這樣的事 我後悔嗎 我猶豫過嗎

說真的 我不知道

可我知道的是 我現在對我自己將來爾後的路

有更多的思考及想法

我現在不知道如何是好 我現在也不知道到底繼續下去

有沒有所謂的是與非

對我來說 我有我的顧計 我有我的思考

而以這件工作 這件事來說

它有它的立場 它有它該思考的方向

也許真的如同我自己所想的

在這件不幸的事件還沒有告一個段落前

我該給自己多一點時間空間來做思考

下一步 及我對我自己的態度

也許 這是個我停止去替別人思考的時候了

常常替別人想 替別人擔心

可是常常也發現 到最後 我發現我完全忘了替自己說什麼 做什麼

我並不是什麼偉人 也並不是什麼完人

我只是個大家一樣 有要求 有需要 有慾望

會害怕 會孤單 會無助 也會需要幫助

是該我說出我要什麼的時候了

是該我面對我自己的軟弱的時候了

問題 並不能逃避

事情 並不會自己解決

別把自己永遠放在最後面 別為了什麼而犧牲了自己

巴黎蒙難記

星期二，十二月二十
因為接著好幾天忙著家裡及公司的事
心情一直上上下下非常不好
連帶著睡也睡不好
一大早美國的表妹從美國回來過聖誕
因為也是一大早的飛機
所以五點就起床
其實是根本沒上床多久
到倫敦是下午的1930
一路上到也沒怎麼睡
到了後就馬上得跟會計帥碰面
之後還在老闆的堅持下跟公司的人、會計師、房東social
十一點半才出發
去了tramp沒人
又轉去no 5
待到快0115先離開前往王家姊妹家借住並
準備隔天0530的euro star到巴黎
0200忙完準備上床
0330就醒來怕睡過頭
0440就到waterloo火車站
老闆大約0450到
才聽聞辦公室的玻璃被打破
所有的商品全部被偷走
上了車後
心情加上疲勞
大家沒說什麼就各自入睡了
住在正對面的先生
從一走車到巴黎就沒停止過電話
想睡也睡不好
0935巴黎當地時間 又再次來到花都
一到就馬上驅車前往montiagne
這是現在巴黎的名店區
時間還早 所以用了點早餐
一整天下來很忙到處shopping 心情很愉快
忙到沒有時間吃午餐+晚餐
趕到火車站時 已經是1850了
火車是1919的
匆匆忙忙地準備上車
結果英國的移民官認為我老闆的euro passport有問題
不認定是真的
而因為我跟他一起旅行 知情不報 所以拒絕我的入境
這時兩人的心情 難過到了極點
原本決定 改天一起到他的大使館 澄清這件事情
但因為巴黎回台的長榮飛機只有星期四、日、一
而老闆星期一有一個六千萬的稅務會議要開
所以他決定隔天一大早就先走
聽到這裡 說我自己的心情沒有涼了一大截是假的
說我沒有一絲絲懷疑整件事的真偽度也太做作
但是現在在懷疑也對我沒有幫助了
現在最重要的是怎麼去處理這個問題
我告訴我老闆
他現在要走我的心情是什麼
但當然我看到的是我現在面對的問題
他是公司的老闆
他看到了還有其他的問題
做為一個老闆也許你得面對你失去某部份某些東西
但還是得做出決定
我只是被拒絕入境 所以我打算改天再試一次
而老闆也決定動員他的力量 明天一早走
晚上 怎麼睡得著 是累到不行 有點昏過去吧 我想
一大早 就去敲老闆的門 跟他說我先去試試看了
結果這次不但被拒絕還被取消我的簽証
心情上的沮喪加上肉體上的不適
自己不爭氣地在別人面前表現出我的軟弱及脆弱
倫敦的友人聽到都很擔心
王家姊妹更是兩肋插刀馬上來到巴黎陪伴無助的我
心情上完全無法負荷此時一人的我
心情無限地感激
其他的朋友 因為簽証無法前來 但也透過電話
給我鼓勵及安慰
感謝之情 盡在不言中
回台 是這幾天被留在巴黎的唯一一個心情
王家姊妹來後 也跟著到處走走
她們問我時 我其實完全沒有主張
因為這個時候實在是沒有心情玩
只是不想一個人 只是想回台
不過 到處走走時 看著花都 心情還是難免好了些
受困在巴黎 旅遊在巴黎
只是一個心境的轉換 我很努力在試
但我畢竟只是個人而己 要放得那麼開 我還有很多要學習
其他的時間 就是在忙著安排回台的飛機
台灣公司那邊的安排是一直要我回倫敦轉機
這個時候這樣的安排真的是對我來說情何以堪
這幾天我連去火車站接王家姊妹
看到那心整個都揪起來
現在要我回倫敦候補 情何以堪大概都還不夠形容我的心情
自己打給長榮安排
結果又因為是免費票所以要特殊授權
在跟長榮小姐解釋情況
還得被訊問是否因為做了什麼違法的事情而被拒絕入境時…
莫名的情緒又上來了
現在一切就等星期一台北的決定
不論如何 星期一要回台 這是現在的堅持跟想法

除了我還是我

似乎一直沒有一個可以停留下來安定的感覺
從九月中的等待
到十月中回台辦簽証再出發
以為總算可以寫下新的一頁的我

家裡的事又不得不讓我想放下一切回台
公司的體會及諒解
讓我深覺這是一種感恩
也是一種愧欠

父親的事
也在上上下下中
全家的心由團結而分裂
我處在這風暴之中
只有一種無力的疲累感
很想放下一切無力的哭號
不想表現出一付好像我應付的很好
好像一付我無所謂的樣子
一種種無力無奈及不知所措
一波又一波地打繫著我
無所謂 只是一種無言的抗議

朋友
這麼多年來浮浮沈沈
我曾自認我自己相識滿天下
無處不友人
而今呢
回頭看看
在我這最低落無助的時候
「相識滿天下，知己有幾人」
原來只是怕寂寞的我
為了填補我脆弱的一角而用繁忙的社交生活來麻卑我自己
現在繁忙的生活沒了 時空不同了 人事不同了
這些繁忙之後的真實面 終於浮現
知己 知道自己是一個人而已

感情
套句我妹妹說的一句話：「滿手打不出去的爛牌」
我也曾經用心 也曾經努力 也曾經付出
總以為就在下一個角落就是我期待的玫瑰
等待是為了失望嗎 期待是為了落空嗎
一種無助感油然而上
無助到想要放縱自我解脫而後得到的親蜜
看不起自己 如果真的
但那躲在面具背後的悲號
不知道如果再不去面對
我還會是我有多久…

人生走到而立與不惑之間
才知道自己竟然老到還沒而立還不夠老到不惑
不立而惑的我
星期天的下午 坐在電腦前面
試著了解自己的心情 試著發洩自己的壓抑
才發現 除了我 還是我