This 'THIS'

This is the very first time, I'm trying to write something about this, I don't even know how to call this.

I don't even know when and how this started and then before I knew it, I am not me anymore.
I thought all I wanted is very simple, just a support, a care, and a love.

Then I realise you have to deal with all those things not exactly what you expected and then you have to face all the deepest fear you have been afriading of facing and dealing with.

You thought you were lonely when you are single, but then when you were with someone, here comes the loneliness always around you. The most difficult part is how you try so hard to understand why someone can neglect you so much and care about you so little when yourself are all over the other. The more you think, the less you get. Suddenly, time never flies by, cause each second is like a torturing and then when the dark comes, you hate the time passes by so slow but yet painful.

All what you have cared, not important any more. All what matters is what you wanna care.
You try to get yourself out of this and want to get back to a normal life, but then the more you try, the more you care. Then you started to ask yourself, why?

You might know the answer already, but you just don't have the gut to face the reality. You are avoiding the truth, you are trying to protect yourself from getting hurt. Yet you are already hurt and you are crying inside. The bruise are so deep that you don't want to take a look cause you know once you look at it, you'd know everything is over.

Maybe you are just not ready to get over with, maybe you are just still hoping a tiny hope that everything will be fine.

You just don't see at the end, whether all these dark sides dragged you into all these negative thoughts or you just really can't see any positive sides of this 'this'.

What is this? You are dying to find out and hope to get an answer, but it seems pushing away and apart is the only result you got. You can't and you don't want to think why, cause you know once you start to think, nothing good will be left.

At one point, you don't what to think and what to believe. You hate all these uncertainty and all these spontaneous 'plans'. Then you hate you are always the last priority in this 'this'. You couldn't help but keep asking yourself what am I? why am I treated like this? Don't I deserve better? Don't I deserve someone descent?

At this hunting jungle, aren't we all expected someone descent? But then are we all lost to find someone descent and forget to decentise ourselves?

Some many questions just like this 'this', and still some much uncertainty and unanswered questions, but then you know what's the point to ask and why bother to get the answer when you are the only one who care?!

Then you'd start like if I knew, I'd've done things differently. Differently in protecting yourself more or in hurting yourself more? At the end of the end, you got to always have this question, why me? and then why not me?

You wanna laugh but then you realise that tears are covering all your face when you start to laugh, you taste your own bitter.

失眠

失眠的星期三夜晚，完全不知所謂何來。
是因為過多的茶還是因為過多的思潮？
困惑在原因中的探索，而讓時間流逝而不自知。

結束了上一個工作，馬上又要迎接下一個工作，
是對未來不確定的惶恐？還是對過去的不滿足感而嘆息？

三點多醒來，不知如何是好，
傳了個簡訊給好朋友，雖然知道他一定早睡了，
但還是不免想要碰個運氣。

再度進入小睡眠，再醒來又是五點，
輾轉難眠，到底是什麼卡在心上又放不開呢？

愈想愈得不到一個所以然，然而卡在這不知如何是好的沮喪，
加上沒有睡好的疲累感，整個脾氣突然不安地蠢蠢欲動！

連寫個部落格，但無法順暢，
二句二句的，感覺好像在併湊一些想法，但又不得其門而入。

深呼伋，放鬆，別緊張，別擔心，別想太多，一點都不射手座的行為！
就是因為充滿了不確定，人生才有未來。

六點十六分…再度挑戰睡眠中！

悶

天氣熱得有點不知所措，坐在捷運上雖然車上的空調讓人得到暫時的舒緩，一開一關的車門，捲入的熱氣，如同三溫暖般地，炙烤車內的人們。

心中的想法感觸，最近常有，然而卻又有理不清的思維卡在那，另人燥悶。一種不吐不快，卻又江郎才盡的矛盾！

手機上的輸入，又不盡人意，一個字得花上平時的數倍！

到最後，不知是天氣，還是捷運，亦或是滿腹說不出的想法，總之，一個字：悶！

Mike from N97

Relationship

On the topic of relationship with a friend the other day, discussing about the length of a relationship and more essentially how does a relationship even start?

When you started to dating someone, does that count as a relationship? Well that's psycho's talking. Hello! way to early even to think of that. Okay let's get back to beginning, when is the moment you realise that you are moving from an appointment with a friend to dating a friend? How do you define that line when is the moment you cross? More importantly, how do you know both of you are the other side of the line?

Let's say you guys cross the line either together or one after the one, the dating started. How oftren you should date a person so you feel that the dating is sound? How much you should invest in this dating thing and based on what? When is the moment you feel so comfortable to receive and to give without feeling 'sure?'? Is it better to take and give as granted? Or maybe granted is too much as a word, as to enjoy the giving and taking? How much is enough that the other knows you care about him/her but not too much to give the other pressure and/or scare the other away?

Or maybe we are thinking too much about all this dating thing. Love is a tricky business or we wouldnt hear so much about it from time to time. Deep down inside, we all know what to do when dealing with emotion and what's reasonable to do. Yet if we are all that rational, how do all these emotional feelings coming from? Whendealing the feelings are all based on emotions, is it too much ask not to be emotional?

Or maybe all these quantitilising of feelings is simply just too much to ask. Some people are crazy in love at once, some people like to take thing slow, some people like to slow down thing, and sometimes it's just a 'he/she is just not that into you' scenario. So let the motion dealing with all these then. Even with all the possible standard of how to define everything, and how you deal rational, at the end of day, it is your feeling tells you how you feel about this person and how you would like to do at this moment.

Maybe it's not something you do or don't do, it's just you do the thing to wrong person or wrong timing. Wrong is too strong as a word, it's just he/she isn't the at the right moment for you or he/she isn't there yet.

Mike blogged from N97

壯圍溫室蕃茄及哈蜜瓜

台灣宜蘭縣壯圍鄉引進日本精緻農業，採水果不落地、自然授精《蜜蜂》、無農藥使用。主人非常地熱心好客，對自我的成果非常驕傲。

南方澳海邊

放假的第五天，隨著家人來到宜蘭南方澳，如此怡人熱帶的情景，不禁令人心懭神怡，感受到九天節日的氣氛。

Testing New Software

This is a new software I download from iTune. Quite easy to use and cute!

Party end

Don't you always have a feeling that you are distant from a certain group and you know already at the beginning that this is what you put yourself into, but still you feel a little bit left over?

You know the isolation from certain group that even everyone is chatting you but you still don't feel that you belong to something! That's the distance you never can get rid off and you will always have.

I can't stop thinking deeper that where is this feeling come from? I know that I am just being jealous but again when I look at myself I work hard enough, it's not just you want to be awarded. It's like Oscar, of course all the spot goes to all the actors and actress, but at least, they reward those people behind the scene!

You want to feel you are part of the team but again you are just part of yourself.

So tired and lost now, maybe it's the loneliness after the party, maybe it's just some low pay White collar complaining about life and career, or maybe it's just me can't find a balance between reality and fantasy.

On the way home, thoughts keep coming up and can't get rid off. Threading these thoughts, I am struggling to get a breathe from the gap. Breathe in and out, in and out, ...

Mike from iPhone

Work

It has been up and down for me doing this position.

I do love this job and I do work hard, but ask me to give up my life and devout myself TOTALLY into this job is totally another thing.

When you work hard to some level, and you lost the reason when you came to this job, isn't it bit confusing and frustrated? How do you mend a situation like this? I really don't know!

If you don't want to sacristy yourslef to your job, why does that make you a bad employer? How much more so toy have to do in order to price yourself?

What if what you have been doing is not exact what your boss what, then aren't I wasting all the time of myself? Doesn't that mean no matter how hard you work, you could prove nothing to no one but yourself?

There is only two possible explanations, one, you don't have whatever it takes to do this job properly. Two, your boss just don't appreciate what you have been doing or you are not doing what you are expected to do.

Either way, doesn't it make you wonder then why on earth are you doing here? I know it's not happen everyday that you'd get a job you have been dreaming of nor that you'd find a job with a perfect boss!

However, for the long run, don't you think it's something you really need to put into consideration as your career? You wanna work for yourself eventually one day, no?

Weekend, after two days working in Kaohsiung and two weeks non stop OT, you are putting thoughts for yourself.

Mike from iPhone

Coffee and London

I am in the starbucks with the wrong pair of shoes drinking the hot grande non fat latte.

What a nice Sunday afternoon!

Been to the department store like usual and shopping for several books, well before that you got to evaluate your possible mood for the coming weeks to prepare what kind of books you wanna digest.

Funny that you would realize ham you are exploring the bookshore, you'd find out that some 'story' you prefer to see of on screen rather than books, even you know that it is going to me much more details and fun in the book. Guess I am not much an 'imaginary' person!

It's been a while I am home alone for the weekend. Remind me a lot of my stay at London. Life is so different of course, but again I worked my ass off to this job and I do love this job. Will I trade off what I have now to staying in London?

This is not even a fair question to begin with, who knows what I would have if I stayed in London? But LV? Guess it's not just something you could just give up, even just an assistant!

But the thought of comapring these two together, I realized I am not over London yet, I am not sure whether I could ever do that in my life, especially when the end turned out so ugly and wrong!

How could you get over the thought of 'what if'? I guess that's something I've never gotten off with, and you know what, I don't even wanna get over!

Mike blogged from iPhone